Let me start this off by stating a few facts, I am a huge nerd, a hardcore gamer, a scumbag, an elitist, and a depressed lunatic. Sound familiar? good, then THIS should be unique, right? To be honest I don't even know why I chose to write about my life, I am not famous, I'm not rich and I come from two parents that never went to college. by the end of this you might find me to be a hero, an asshole, an egotistical prick or maybe an inspiration to you that anyone, despite his or her's current standings in life, can pick themselves up out of the dirt, wipe off all the shit you've stepped in along the way and carry on. Trust me when I say that I have been at the bottom and even though I may tend to visit there every so often I found that I have the ability to still smile, still laugh (especially at myself and my dipshit decisions, believe me we'll dive head first into those) and still love. Now that we got all the encouraging mushy shit out of the way, let's get into this, shall we?

           CHAPTER 1 - THE BEGINNING

         Just so you know I'm not one of those idiot "self help" bullshit fucktards that fills your head with incredibly trite phrases and terms that I will probably never figure out, and in the end will never use. I am writing this from my tiny bedroom in my Grandmother's house...where I live. That's right, I am 30 years old and living with my mother and grandmother, yeah I have it ALL figured out. But hey, the rent is cheap the food is good and I have a free babysitter so I might as well take advantage of it. But I digress, let us start from...well where else...the beginning...

        I was born on January 17th 1981 at 12:07 am at Sharp Memorial Hospital and much to my parents surprise, I was a boy. You see, back then you really didn't need a sonogram unless they felt the pregnancy was in trouble. So, the Dr. always assumed I was girl, yeah..I know...it's pretty fucked up. So instead of being born as Shanna Marie Stewart my Parents scrambled and came up with the name Adam Christopher Stewart. Sounds pretty fucking American doesn't it? So that's me. The son of an Irish redneck and former Navy mess cook from Fresno and a Portuguese, Mexican devout Christian woman who was raised in the most strict house I could ever imagine. Needless to say, that carried over into how my brother and I were raised as well. My brother, Daniel, is two and a half years older than me and we couldn't have been more opposite, in fact I questioned on multiple occasions whether or not I was either switched at birth or adopted.

        We grew up just like any other family that struggled to get by did, we focused on what mattered most, FAMILY. It wasn't until I grew older that I realized that we lived across the street from the welfare office and government housing. It never occurred to me because my parents did everything they could do to make sure that they instilled in us that your financial status isn't what's going to make you happy but your family and the friends you keep in life brings about the real happiness in this life. We never went hungry and we never went without and for that I could never thank my parents enough. I know you're probably thinking to yourself "shut the fuck up about all this backstory bullshit and get to the fucked up parts already!" But in order to understand how shit got so fucked up it's important to look at the root of it all, right? So shut up, sit down and either put this away, or bear with me on this,  fuck! 

          The first place I could remember as a kid was our duplex that we lived in, in Chula Vista. At the time it was a small town on the outskirts of San Diego. To put it in a geographical sense If San Diego was a pair of tits and Mexico was a Vagina...We would be the belly button, small useless and just in the way. But it was and always will be home to me. Our neighbors were the Garcia Family which consisted of Karen and her son Alex. I was two when we moved in and Alex was three...so there was a two year old a three year old and a four year old all living technically under the same roof. My brother and I shared a room for nine years while living there, I'm just glad we had a rickety old ass bunk bed set so we didn't have to share a bed. I have fond memories of that shitty little place and it's weird thinking back that far now it has almost has this mythological sense to it, in a way where you look back and think "did all that really happen?" Camping in the front yard, playing kick the can till midnight, building a fort with our own bare little hands, playing Nintendo til our eyes bled, sleepovers, and playing countless board games until we'd pass out. You know, the kind of shit kids are supposed to do today but are too fat, lazy and dumb to know what it's like to get out and be a fucking KID! ( we'll get into this more later as well) 

               As we grew older we began to make friends with a couple kids that lived across from us in an apartment complex, it was literally across from our front door with only a chain link fence separating us. The first friend we made was Pugsly, actually his name was Luis but he looked like the mexican version of Puglsy from The Addams Family so the name stuck. He was a short, round little shit, chubby cheeks and what we called the hair helmet, his hair was so thick it literally looked like a helmet and he had these faint black sideburns that looked like a strap that connected under his chin. I seriously feel that if he ever were to fall it would be impossible to sustain ANY kind of brain damage or head trauma, but he was a good friend, and he had a hot sister...need I say more?

sometimes I feel like I have so much to say but don't know where to start. its like looking at a mountain top and being overwhelmed by its sheer size and instead of trying to take it on, I just turn around and walk away. I'm sick of staying silent and I hope this could be the right outlet to make it happen. I really dont care if I offend or hurt anyone because, frankly...I really dont give a shit. We live in too sensitive of a world today and it kills me! Everyone is so quick to blab on about how every little fucking thing they see or hear is offensive and should be stripped away from existence. I say, FUCK YOU, lets keep it! The thing about life is that NOBODY will ever get it right, no matter how far we advance in technology or how many drugs we come up with to cure whatever it is that you THINK is ailing you at that time, we are never going to perfect the way we as humans pursue what we call life. What is so wrong with negative emotions anyway? we are raising a generation of children that will be hooked on at least three different types of "behavioral" drugs by the time their ten. Its as if we are spiraling out of control and the best way to deal with it is to fuck up the generating that comes after us so they could be worse off than we are. I could almost see our train of thought..."I know we're a fucked up generation...but holy shit...I'm glad I'm not a kid these days cause they're FUCKED" Being the father of a 3 year old, as foolish as this may seem to certain groups of parents but...I want my daughter to feel disappointment, anger, frustration, yes even pain (not physical obviously) as much as it sucks to feel said emotions it also brings out in us a sense of life that we rarely see otherwise. These are what build us, guide us, teach us, they create character and inner strength. I feel that its my job to teach my daughter how to deal with these emotions and in a way that will help her grow and mature. I refuse to shelter my daughter from what this world really has to offer, not dope her up because she cant concentrate...SHE'S A FUCKING KID!! In, fact in the midst of writing this I finally realized that the zombie apocalypse wont be from some virus gone wrong or from some bad food. It will be our society in about 4 generations. Numb to life, mindlessly walking about in a drug induced stuper. In other words, WE ARE BREEDING AND CREATING THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! Let kids live their lives, let them fall and stumble but be there to pick them up, dust them off, show them their mistakes and encourage them to keep going. I'll end is with this, Thomas Edison once said "I have not failed, I just found 10,000 ways that wont work"

In no way am I a liberal or conservative person and I refuse to live my life by either side of that spectrum. I am simply me, living my life the best way I see fit. Do I have all the answers? Absolutely not, and I'm sure in some way, the way I live my life is offensive to some sect of people out there.

the sun can kiss...
it can ripen and flourish
the sun can burn...
it can exhaust and destroy
the sun can be the cause of an unlimited source of energy and yet take away anything that you hold tight...
it could be unrelenting, unforgiving, and punishing.
we crave it, curse it, bask in it, and enjoy the feel of its warmth on our skin.
The sun could drench and surround you in all its beauty in the same way a blanket warms the chilled body in the cold of night or the feeling of ones skin pressed against another's, arms and legs intertwined...clinging to each other as if this could be their last moment...the last breath that they take together....

now replace the sun...with love...

there's first for everything

and here...we...go...